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Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
Happy Birthday Yagr!!! I hope your day is amazing!
Trace, please forgive me for being rude and questioning your intentions. I have not been in a very good place for a few days and that is not something I would normally do. I need to put myself in time out from the forum when I am feeling that way.
It is very caring of you to want to understand, so that you can be a person of compassion for someone else. It is very hard to explain to someone what your internal world is like and how it was put together. Words are the hardest thing for me sometimes. It is very frustrating for me that there is no one in my life right now that understands, or that I have the words to explain for them to understand.
I have not been diagnosed. I’ve been working with a counselor for 3+ years, with the original reason being anxiety. It soon came clear that I was experiencing dissociation due to childhood emotional neglect and trauma, which continued into my adulthood. I don’t really consider myself to have “alters” but there are “parts of me” that I “feel” their emotions and can feel/hear (internally) their thoughts. There have been things that have happened, that I don’t have memory of and there have been times that I was like a passenger, witnessing/watching what was happening with no way to stop it.
The way that I see it is like there was an explosion, and I was shattered into pieces. I feel like I am in the process of going back and finding the pieces (parts of me) and helping them understand that the traumatic moment they are stuck in, is past. I try to show them compassion and understand why they are so afraid, then I want to unburden them and take them somewhere they feel safe. We have accomplished this with several parts and it is so freeing when it happens.
I agree that too many people judge, without understanding. I feel that I did that to you, and I again sincerely apologize.
As for the birthdays, I’ve never thought about it but thinking about it now, I don’t believe I would like to celebrate the day they were created. It seems that would be a sad day to me.
Question: How do other parts first appear to you?
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You were not rude at all. Don't even think that
I know this may sound odd to some that I want to personally understand alters to be more compassionate with others that do. It's not that I'm researching for a paper or something I'm not in school, nor do I want to have alters or claim that I do. It's nothing like that at all. Like I said before if people understood alters maybe they would not be so judgmental of people that have them. You or anyone else is welcome to ask me anything about CPTSD and I will answer to my best ability. A lot of people don't know about CPTSD, especially since it's not in the DSM. We usually fall under a sub topic of PTSD.
I don't have alters, I don't think, I don't know if I would know and maybe that's just due to my not understanding but right now I feel pretty sure I don't.
I can relate to the "there was an explosion, and I was shattered into pieces" For me it's like I'm a puzzle that has been dumped on a table. Trying to get the pieces together to make the picture whole again. It's a lot of work though. I get my treatment through the VA. Do you? That's where I'm doing the PE therapy. That watching the life go by sounds like the detachment associated with PTSD. I explained mine as being in a bubble, just floating around watching the World carry one and I'm just an observer. Sound familiar. I also isolate a lot. My main communication with people is through the computer. Not the life I really want but I'm working on that