Most who will read this won't really know me, I've not been on here frequently. I'm going to be 50 in a little while. I have 2 sons, one is still with me for a few more years.
I've been trying to decrease my antidepressant, because all it did was keep me a bit numb but didn't work for feeling depressed. I've been extremely depressed for most of my life. Many suicide attempts. One or two that should have worked. I love my kids but I never believed I should have them because I'm such a messed up person, but there they are and I do love and appreciate them. The youngest is very troubled and not doing well, and I take most of the responsibility and the guilt eats me up daily.

I have health issues that aren't getting better, I've been to the doctor and here is a place I can vent .... HE'S A COMPLETE IDIOT.... there, thanks for letting me say that. First he says I don't have something, then I do, then tests say I don't, etc....then he puts me on something that doesn't work and gives me no proper instructions. I'm not getting proper care, and I can't just get another doctor when I have one, there are shortages here.

I honestly have gotten to thr point that I'm just not giving a flying **** and hope I don't have to exist longer. I cry constantly, I sit alone all day. I sometimes wish I hadn't qualified for disability because it is a better option to stay on it then get out there and try to find something to do. But the isolation and lack of feeling useful...... It's been constant with rare days where I've had relief. Just tired. Needed to vent. I want out of this life. But I can't, we have to live for others, especially when I have sons.