I'm scared, overwhelmed, burned out, desperate and generally feel like %#@&#!, I started sinking a couple of weeks ago but I thought "its not that bad, I can handle it" I of course skirted over the fact that sinking gets worse over time.
If my memory is correct this doesn't really stop until febuary or something. I don't think I can handle this until then. I don't think I can cope. On a more general level I don't think I am, or have been coping, at all, in life, for a very long time. I don't think I am who I am, I don't think I am what I am, I think that what I am is so directed by ceirtain thoughtforms, that I can't express my truth, I am so driven by some false truth implanted in me.

I feel alternatly like escaping everything by any means possible, the only means that seems possible of course is sleep and death, and on the other hand I am terrified of anihilation, of being alseep and missing the reality that I am supposed to fight. Of being dead alive as it were I am veryy scared.

And I don't know what to do, I can wait it out, waste another 5 years not living my life, being compelled by things that aren't me, that exist with the desire to destroy me to fulfil and image. Or what? Whats the alternative. People tell me to change my thoughts? Well I can't. Is it wrong of me to say that? If I am wrong tell me how! You don't realise how deep this lies. Its burned into my head, it won't ever fade I can't make it go away.
People tell me I need to reach out for help that I don't need to be alone. But I do, I need to be alone, I can hide so much better when I am alone, I am a totally different person when I am with other people, they compell me to act totally contrary to my nature, I don't feel myself when I am with other people - I am trapped inside watching myself live and I am not a part of it - and if I force myself to be there and be a part of it I am lost as to how to be, I just slink away from all the terror, or overact and act out. Its only when I am alone that I am me. So how is people going to be any help to me? The person I am when I am with other people wants me dead. I want to avoid being her. I don't like her.
And I know I should, I should try to love her, because she needs to be loved, but she hates me so much, she hurts me so much, how can I love someone who hurts me so much?

I just don't know what to do. I want a way out that works, that I am not terrified of. People say that if I want it enough fear wouldn't stop me! Ha! What sort of fear do they have? It can't be like this.