I don't want this to sound like a "top this!' (though I'm afraid it will) but I'm too down even to contact my therapist - a kind gentle man I'm lucky enough to see free through the County.

Kind of a combination of issues. For one, I don't feel I deserve the help nor that I can be helped. "Reality" plays such a role and who can change that?

I worked for ten twenty years to try to salvage my two sons, both essentially tortured by their father, In both cases, I thought (at the cost of my own life, but whose counting?) I had made it - bona fide miracles in both cases.,

Recently , my highly dysfunctional family just pulled one of their all time sick, selfish whoppers - they cancelled my first visit to see them in over ten years.

It was arranged, and I was just studying airfares anxiously over the last weeks, months, while they failed to return repeated calls, which would have allowed me to fine tune our plans and buy the tickets. (Many other things were on hold too - and now also too late.)

Not one word of apology. Just cancelled.

and at a critical time for the mental health of the younger one who has paranoid schizophrenia and is at a major watershed in his life. I spent seven years making this college possible for him - guiding him towards a successful acceptance and persuading the compassionate AID committee to give him a full scholarship. I couldn't’t believe it worked out. It was his life’s dream which he figured he’d long forfeited.

He sounds like he's in meltdown . That means hearing great disorganization (the terrible panic is taking him over - to lose his being, and all that will follow! Also, attacking and abusing me, as I'm the target of his paranoia. Life sucks, but that’s the way it goes sometimes with this terrible malady. Logic has nothing to do with it).

Nearly offed myself when I finally got a straight answer (cruelly expressed - and only by contacting a third party). No go. “Inconvenient now”, “can’t entertain” - incredible cliché excuses. What a bunch of sick phonies! My own mother! Unworthy of the name. .

Not only has it been so long but a) it had been vetted repeatedly, and this is the only time we can come for a year. By then, my son may no longer be in college - or even sane (sounds like he won’t make it to the end of the first semester now, after this blow)..

They are well aware I have very serious problems and have been unable to come until now due to non stop crises. Jees, I even had to wait for urgent neurosurgery before the trip was possible, and even that I’d deliberately postponed to attend to my son’s needs. It was at terrible risk for me, on account of waiting (plus, as it turns out permanent nerve damage with awful side effects) I was in danger or death from the slightest trauma, the whole time I waited.

Seeing them was next on my list. Worse still, my son and I can’t take a trip together with buffer people - like them! It was our only chance. Sometimes it’s hard not to hate - with all my heart. When it’s your child you get that way, and his life is at stake. Mine too, come to think of it though if I can find an iota of hope, I guess I could find some control. I ‘ve seen enough horror with my kids, incapable of stopping what I predicted. I can’t face this one.

Please forgive me for egocentric spotlight stealing. I deeply, deeply sympathize with you - and more. Only your thread title attracted me from the whole list, by sounding like I feel.

My prayers for whatever they're worth, are with you. I too am completely alone and physically disabled too. My pain is physical as well. I feel sorry for myself - and in terrible despair. I worked so hard, for so long.

If not me, my children deserve so much better.
(and my view is that regardless of their chronological age, they are forever children in a way, if they never had a chance to be children ).

And I extend my hand to you - no, my arms - for the hug I need and feel you may too. I'm sorry for your great, undeserved sorrow. To whatever extent it's possible, , please feel you've been hugged by a friend, and are NOT as alone as you feared.

Maybe if you grab a large pillow (not that I'm fat) and hug it hard for as long as you want , you can pretend it's me. I will do the same if you give me permission. No, it’s “not the same” but it’s something.

God have mercy on all of us (not said as a figure of speech)

Please value yourself enough to hang on and search for faith in better days. I care,