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SouthernSoul · Apr 06, 2017, 03:12 AM

I have been wondering if I really qualify to be Disabled. I was on Disability from 2012 until Jan 2017. I went to reviews with a woman 2 hours drive. She asked me questions that to me didn't apply to what all I have. It was more of a memory test I was asked to do. I walked out of there thinking why didn't she ask me about my Severe Depression and Severe Anxiety. While she was asking me to say three numbers she said and to repeat them to her then it went to five numbers on to ten numbers. She would say them and asked me to say them backwards. I felt like asking her what this had to do with my Depression and Anxiety I live with everyday.I wrote this sometime back and I saved it to my Desktop in a txt. I named it "My Story" and I want to share this and please don't feel that I will be offended with your suggestions if I should be or not be on Disability. Sorry it is long.

"My Story"
I grew up in a Mentally Abusive home. My daddy used to drink,before I was born and he used to take his anger out on my mamma Physically and Mentally. While I wasn't Physically Abused it was Mentally. My daddy says he can't get through to anyone,Family,without yelling. This went on daily until I was 18 and got married in 1989 and moved out. I got divorced in 2000 and being laid off from the best paying job I ever had,because they went by seniority and I just happened to be the last on hired that was still working there a few years. After the divorce my parents told me to move back in and take my room back.

I was drawing unemployment at the time before finding another job.
This put me back into the Mental Abuse again,while not directed at me, most of the time, I can still hear it from my room and with what I have makes in my mind that he's talking about me. Loud noises really irritates me, we live not even 100 yards from a train track and I have gotten used to the noise of a train going by that I never notice it.
Being outside and a train comes by they blow the horn because we are close to a crossing and over the years if I am outside when they blow the horn really irritates me I guess it's because of the yelling I have heard since a child. I was in Elementary School not even a teen yet and years from it. I would say maybe 9 or 10 I was told that I couldn't go play with a friend that lived up the street by us. I went into the cabinets and found a bottle of Aspirin and took over half the bottle because I was hurt inside.

Being that young I didn't know what Suicide was but now I think that's what I was trying to do. I have gotten into arguments with my daddy over the past couple of years,mainly last year a few days after my birthday we got into an argument,well he started one, and said I got in his face but I was 15ft away and he jumped up and got in my face,well looked up I am 6ft 2in 230 pounds. He said MFer get the F out of my house I said ok and walked in my room to pack next I hear a shot so I grabbed my pistol that stays by my bed and by the time I stood up he busted my door open with his .357 in his hand and got in my face and kept saying sit down and I said move you're in my way blocking my chair.

He then said I brought you into this world and I can take you out and shot the floor 3 inches from my foot. Yes I swung at him but he was backing up and tripped so I didn't land a good punch that would have knocked him out. Some how I backed up and fell on my back onto my bed and he gets on top of me and puts the barrel of the pistol in my eye. I let him hit me and wasn't trying to fight back and hurt him.

Luckily I have been studying Self Defense, called Krav Maga) since 2009 and had my mind trained to remain calm in those situations and I grabbed the barrel and moved it as fast as he put it in my eye and 3 inches to the left he shot. I felt my hair blow back and thought it was my head and kicked him off of me and said move so I can see where you shot me in the head. He stands in front of me and I say out the corner of my eye that he had the hand grip of a Stainless Steel revolver balled in his fist and let him punch me. I guess seeing I didn't move or get knocked down he turned around and walked out.

I called my daughter to take me to the ER where an MRI showed my Zygoma Bone was broke in 3 places,this is your cheek bone
feel free to Google it. So much for a Birthday weekend. If I had not started that training I would be dead right now. I have to keep all of what I told you from childhood until now from my Dr. I think on my next visit I will bring it up since he started cutting my Ativan down, which I seriously need it's the only thing that stops my Anxiety Attacks. I am on the limit doses of my Anti-Depressants I can take. I am on Impramine 150mg,Zoloft 100mg,Celexa 40mg,and Ativan when I need them. I take my Impramine and Celexa together at night and Zoloft when I wake up because I still get slight depression during the day.

He blacks out and later regrets it. I finally broke down and started crying a few months later and I sat down and told him what was
on my mind and he was the main cause of it. He calmed down for a while but started back,not as much because I hear him I will just walk in the living room and he shuts up. I have not cried since I was a child and it's very hard to even under bad situations but I just broke that night. I can't even remember the last time I have even smiled,or faked one. I am stuck living here I have nowhere to go and I can't afford to rent a place and pay the bills.

I have coped with Depression,GAD,OCD,Agoraphobia in 1985, maybe earlier than that it was mild then, I coped with it missing a lot of school and it made me end up quitting School. I went to work on Aug 2,1988 in a Trailer Door Factory,I worked in a Peach Orchard during High School,still coping with this,but it was mild then but got worse because of the yelling about more production, I got married in 1989 and and a year almost one month later we had a daughter, that started my stress with work a little worse by trying to raise a family on $109 a week and I was the only one working at that time.

Around 1995 my wife was working as a Housekeeper in a Hospital and she told a Dr that I showed signs of being suicidal and he made me an appointment to see him.He was just a Family Dr and not a Mental Health expert. He put me on Impramine (Tofernal Generic) and Xanax. I started taking these and working. This Dr ended up quitting practice to go back to College and get another Degree and this made me seek out numerous Doctors that would still prescribe my medicine.

We got divorced in 2000 and have a daughter,whom has some of my symptoms. After that I started getting on and off my medication because they made me feel better, but really affected me and my jobs,yes I moved from one job to another and never knew this was why I did it. I started going out every weekend and Self Medicating with Alcohol.I would actually drink myself sober leaving at 4:30am and had to be up by 6am to get ready for work,I never had a hangover.

2008 was the last job I had. I was an Inventory Specialist but instead of doing what I was supposed to with the Inventory they had me unloading Trucks and we would have up to 3 or more a night then they made us take all of the inventory to each department and expected me to start doing my real job which I never got to finish,I am a perfectionist and always have been this may be what lead to all my Stress,Depression,S.A.D,OCD,and all because I wasn't allowed to finish my job, because it was time to go home. It was Superbowl night and everyone that worked unloading the trucks called in to watch the game so I was the only one that showed up.

We were watched by camera and I was unloading the truck then stopping to get the products off of the line and put them in the right Dept pallets before I could go back to unloading the truck and when the line filled up I had to stop and unload the line again. I had Managers coming to the back out of their offices and looking at the progress I had made and saying I needed to speed up,ALONE, they finally sent a buggy pusher to help me but he vanished hanging around in the back talking to friends. That night sent me over the edge and on a downward spiral. I was already dealing with depression because I would think of stuff to do when I got home,to take my mind off of work, but only to just sit on my bed not motivated enough to do any of it not even watch TV. That night was my breaking point.

Physically and Mentally I was finished and couldn't take it anymore this was 3 months before my 40th Birthday. I went that long working and trying to cope with my Mental Illness not even knowing that I had an Illness. I burned through every job close to me with vehicles that would not even make it to work and left me sitting on the side of the Interstate until I finally got it running or ending up calling my parents to pick me up and take me the rest of the way putting a burden on them to try to get my vehicle home. I have many times got into the parking lot of my job only to turn around and come back home because I would have an Anxiety Attack just pulling in.

Yes I did push through it sometimes and go inside to work. I was dealing with the public working in a Hardware Store because I have a background on working with the stuff we sold so I was the person that other employees would send the customers to,and it was in their department I had to help them. Dealing with my own Anxiety and the stress of helping customers,which some were very rude and tried to tell me that I didn't know what I was doing when it was them that explained their problem to me wrong and they would ask is there someone that knew what they were talking about so me being Stressed out I would send another employee or even a manager only for them to send the customer back to me in which they would say never mind and leave the store. They would always return sending their wives in to get what I showed them in the first place.

I did Maintenance work for over 20 yrs involving Plumbing,Electrical,Air Conditioning,Appliances,Carpentry,Flooring,Painting,and everything a Maintenance worker did. I learned this when I got a job in a Nursing Home,which I was working in when my wife got me that appointment, I started in Housekeeping Buffing floors. When my machine would act up I would go into the Maintenance Shop and get the tools I needed to fix it.

This caught the eye of the Maintenance Supervisor and after a couple of years doing this he asked me to transfer to Maintenance,his aunt owned over 50% of the company and he was self employed too working on all of the above things I brought up as my experience in Maintenance. I painted the inside of this Nursing Home 4 times alone,I built walls in a Dayroom (not used by any of the Residents) which was where the had Physical Therapy which means I have Sheetrock
experience,

I missed a lot of work and moved to a large number of jobs. You see I live in the Deep South West of Mississippi in a small town named Osyka with a population of 451 people. The majority live out of town in the country on dairy's so this is not counting how many people we have in the town its self. It's 23 minutes to get to the largest town near us and it's a population of 20,000+ maybe. That's where our Hospital and all Health Care is at,but no Mental Health Care. You will have to drive 90 miles to Jackson,Ms to get that. I finally got worse because of not taking my medication as I should. I took it long enough to feel as close to normal feeling I could get and a few months I would stop cold turkey.

It finally came to having Seizures because of this. The very first one I had I was working for a man clearing a bunch of hedges from his backyard with a Chainsaw. I started seeing colored circles and I remember them coming closer and closer I got sick to my stomach and the last thing I remember was everything started turning gray starting from out the side of my eyes and moving like a tunnel towards the circles. I don't wear a watch so I don't know how long I was there but I woke up on the ground nauseated and a chainsaw still running in my hand,luckily my arm was stretched to the side of me.

I moved in with my parents after the divorce,because they told me too. They kept telling me to file for disability because by this time I was really bad off. I though Suicide would be the best way out but had to fight that urge. My mind always raced with these crazy ideas like Suicide. I had 3 more Seizures while living with them. No one had witnessed me having them,but,one night I remember getting off my computer to get a snack to eat and watch TV. The next thing I remember is my mamma kicking me to try and wake me up and I was in the bathroom knocked the sink off the wall and this was around 3am or close. She got me up and I started crawling to my bed and fell over head first into the floor. She helped me to my bed where I just passed out.

This was 2010 and we found the Doctors ex girlfriend that was there when I first got put on this medicine and she told us of a place that I needed to go to. It was a kind of Mental Therapist she worked with me about a year then they had a Doctor move into practice there in the Mental Illness section I was going to so she sent me to him and we worked almost 3 years trial and error to find the right medication. I was told to stay on the Impramine and stop Xanax and he put me on Ativan which helps a lot when an Anxiety Attack comes over me. It was sometime after that I decided to file for disability,with his suggesting. I never filed for it because I thought,and still do,that I am one of the people talked about when they talk about government hand outs. I could be getting Food Stamps but refuse to even try.

In January of this year they took my Disability check and insurance away. I had another Seizure in January which made me have to see a Neurologist and after she heard what happened she ordered me to take an MRI,in that Tube for an hour,and an EEG for an hour. I went back to get the results but she is concerned it showed on Seizure activity and wants me to be hooked to another EEG for 3 days if I got my Medicaid back,which now will be after I file for Disability again and it might be 2018 before I hear back from it.
The Neurologist wants me to get it ASAP, well so much for that. Right now I am under so much Stress. I still see my Dr and take my medication Religiously, I never miss a dose anymore.

I am not the type of person that will ask to borrow money and never will. It might sound like I live off of my parents but I am not. I buy my own clothes and food.The only thing they will even let me help paying is the Internet Bill,they each have a Laptop,and addicted to Facebook.

They're in their 70's now, so I guess it's good that I am here,even though what I go through day to day. I workout now which I started 2 months ago to lose some weight and tone my body because I have always loved to workout. I am still put under a lot of stress with the Mental Abuse going on. I have tried to sleep during the day until he went to bed and use the nights as my peaceful time.

So I am still living here and still hear the yelling but I have no place to go and $800 a month is not enough to find a place and pay rent,Bills,buy food,and I can't even drive.
Thank you for reading this long Thread I am just wanting people, that have some of the same thing I have, to tell me how they feel about if I should be getting Disability.