Dear T

I am as pissed as hell.

Bet you didn't see that coming - I don't really 'do' angry. I'm all about reasoned and calm and (for)giving and whatever else it takes to reassure that world that I am not the crazy little monster creature they labeled me as for all those years.

Well, guess what - I am not crazy, I am not a monster creature, and I am still pissed.

I have just been through one of the two - only two, ever - darkest, unsafest, most horrific periods of my life, and where were you?

Oh, that's right...you were still trying to give me the distance you think I need because you think I let you too close to me and freaked myself out. And, of course, you were still being so very cool and hip about my suicidality and all the growing signs that things were getting worse, because that's how you roll.

Where were you when I emailed to say I was desperate (the only time, ever, in 18 mths), and please could you give me some time. Any time?

Where were you when I understood that you couldn't fit in a phone session, but wondered if you would please be able to just read and respond to an email over the next few days. One freaking email. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU??? And if you couldn't be there for me, where was the referral or the connections or even the ideas about how I could keep myself safe. Is that just not in your job description?

The ONLY time I have ever needed you. And where were you, really, when I walked into your room for the next session and you didn't say a word. Not one word about the out of character, desperate-for-help few days I had had. Nothing. Not even a 'are you OK?'

So I'm pissed. I deserved better from you and more from you. I deserved a T that would look my self-murdering, crazy self in the eye and say 'this is not OK. This is not you, it is not who you are. You need some help.' WHERE WERE YOU, T???

You have been essentially absent from my therapy for the past five months. That's more than long enough to get your s*** together around whatever the hell is going on in your life, which, by the way, is NOT MY CONCERN and should NOT be impacting my life.

Yours in pissedness...