What I was trying to say is that I'm already doing that. I mentioned that I've spent most evenings this week at theatre rehearsal and that I actually do watch lots of tv shows, I ride my bike, I do these sort of things but even though I find enjoyment in them, the pain is still there with me and at the forefront.

I think that because I also suffer from this permanent loneliness and lack of touch and affection, lack of any physical, loving comfort, and that was already causing constant pain, now that this possible abandonment happened, it's even harder and it makes the lack of human contact and human support even more poignant.

I can't do it alone anymore and if that makes me weak or a bad person, so be it but I've gone through many things all alone and I've had no break from being alone like this, I've never had what I needed emotionally and I've no hope for it either and my resources are gone. This isn't "just" depression, my main problem was never depression, it's actual perpetual loneliness and constant abandonment.

And it's even worse that since I'm more fragile that usual, I have a harder time hiding my feelings and my fears from my mother so I start talking about my loneliness and from a simple statement she will end up going into full blown anger, shouting and treating me with zero compassion, treating my needs and my pain as if it's nothing but an exaggeration and also dehumanizing me by refusing to acknowledge that my gender identity and the masculine presentation it results in aren't something I can change.

I'm sorry for whining here so much but I have no one and nothing and it hurts so much, I barely slepe and last night I even dreamed of my friend abandoning me and being happy without me as I watch from afar.