I had my first supervision today! So, that was pretty exciting, even though I don't actually have any clients yet.

Of course, the topic of erotic transference came up. Of course it bloody did! I was desperate to say "Ooh, ooh! I know this one! I've read every book and journal article there is on the subject! I'm probably one of the country's leading experts!" but I held it in. Didn't seem like a great introduction to ramble on at everyone about how I'm sooooo in love with my therapist.

Though actually, I'm not really feeling that love this week. It's taken a nosedive again. I'm feeling kinda confused and annoyed and maybe sad instead.

I can't work you out. I'm generally good at working people out, and I hate when I can't do it. Things felt awkward between us yesterday (was it really only yesterday?) and I'm pretty sure something is going on for you. But I'm not sure what it is. My mind is rapidly cycling through a million different interpretations of your words and expressions and behaviour. You're annoyed - or bored - or embarrassed - or competitive - or confused - or afraid - or... okay, I know perfectly well it's not this one, but let me have it anyway... you're attracted to me. Or - and this is the worst, but maybe even the most likely - you just don't really give a s**t, you're disconnected, you're busy thinking about other stuff.

This is so tedious, analysing every little thing you do and say. I feel so pathetic.

Anyway, you talk the talk about being 'real' with me, but I'm not feeling it. Where are you?

Ergh, I hate myself. Where's my inner blanket of compassion?