You're afraid of stagnation, of a living death. You feel like you are wasting time in your life. You feel like you can't change these thoughts, and I agree, when we're depressed, it's all we can do to press on though plagued by them. We have the power to alter our own minds, but an illness is an illness, and these are symptoms beyond our control... and there are treatments.
What is it that keeps you from your truth? What is it that compells you to act contrary to your nature? Do you need to please people? Do you fear rejection? Do you get frustrated by anxiety in groups of people? Or is it the exhaustion of feeling numb and disconnected by depression? All of these things can be changed, with the right support.
Look to your truth, and ask your self what you want. If you could do one life-changeing thing right now, what would it be? Don't think about plausability, just think about what you WANT. A change of job? An educational course on a subject you enjoy? A group activity, joining a club? Travel? Sometimes what seems impossible to get is not as far away as we think. We're just so worried about failing that we can't even try. No one can tell you not to be afriad. Facts is facts, you're scared. That won't change until you prove to your self that you don't have to be.
If you continue to do the same thing, you will get the same result. If you've been hiding, things will not improve if you continue to hide. You recognize that. That's why you're here. Something inside you IS reaching out, as much as you are afraid of that. Some part of you brought you to this place, as a first step maybe. And we're really glad you're here. Keep hanging on until you see light, it will come. Please talk to counselor, and keep posting. We're all here for you.