yes that is part of the problem, it was just a little over 2 months ago now. We still have to go to the burial in 3 weeks, (due to our weather climate), and I think that will be harder to endure than the funeral. I have lots of regrets in what I did with her in her last months, I think I tried and I know I forgave and loved her as she was, but I still wonder what I could have done better. There's no going back. I knew this would happen but I never had anyone as close to me die. I still have a hard time with how she passed away, I saw it and it's burned into my mind. I'm a little drunk right now so I don't know exactly what I'm saying or why.

I wish I could still have that child like faith that I used to feel in a loving God that was there, but I've done so much looking into history that my faith is gone, although I know that it returns when I'm in such a distressing state, I hope that what I thought was true is real.. I'm just one mess, and I know people all around the world have suffered... are suffering.

I have all the excuses to feel how I feel, but I still think it's my own fault. I could type everything I'm feeling but I don't think I have a right to feel the way I do. I even regret taking up this space here on the forum.... but I come here often and try not to.