Blue, I'm sorry you're feeling so lousy....and I know that term doesn't come close to describing it. Have you had a chance to talk to your psychiatrist while you've been in such a dark place? If he's suggesting you go up on Seroquel, what have you got to lose? If that doesn't work, then it's on to the next thing.

I hate that the meds are trial and error. I hate the side effects. I hate the things I can't do because of the disease. But I would hate even more to think of what would happen to my family if I wasn't here anymore. Use your creativity to imagine the world for those who love you if you weren't here or if you were to do something terrible to yourself.

If nothing else, try to hang on for those of us on this forum who care about and for you. When you posted dark things last week and then didn't post for a few days, I had a conversation with a friend about how concerned we were for you. It was a ray of sunshine to see you post again, just to know that you were physically OK. It may not seem like much, but we do care. Be gentle with yourself, and do everything you can to continue to seek help IRL. You have people who care about you and how you are doing.

And please keep posting. Even if it's in the midst of your pain, you can be guaranteed there are people who are on here reading and feeling the same things. I regularly see well over a hundred people viewing this forum, and only a fraction of us actually post. The lurkers are in pain too.