Went to the fair today. I was having fun until my friend took a picture of me and I saw how much bigger I am.

I broke down for the first in forever.

So much bigger because of a 90 pound weight gain from Zyprexa because a psych doctor said I was bipolar. Definitely wasn't the case. I see a new doctor now and said I have depression.

Now I only take Lexapro and Wellbutrin.

I did this to myself. Trying to put a label on myself.
Crying for help in the wrong way.

I was a student at an university, but now I'm lazy and live off disability. I know some people really need it, but I'm capable of working. I want to go back to school so bad, but I ruined it. I could be graduating May 2018. I stopped going to school and never ruined so looks bad on my record. Not even once, but three times. I still kept labeling myself. Still depressed and would rather sleep all day and not deal with anything.

Why was I so weak then?

I graduated high school with honors. Definitely, can't be that good now if I even return to school. School was no problem at all, but my mind went a mess.

Too expensive to go back. I have bad credit from hospital bills.

Oh AND Facebook I know is a problem seeing everyone going on in life. Going to school, getting married, having babies...all that. Having lives. I feel behind. I'm 21. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years almost, but we can't get married (I don't think) with the disability I get and it's helping us live and I wouldn't be able to make as much as I do working somewhere with a high school diploma.

I don't want to live like this. I'm tired of it.

When I look at myself, I'm a completely different person.
It disgusts me how much weight I gained. I used to be 117 and got up to like 207. Now, down to 193 (but with no work besides stopping antipsychotics in August).

I think that should be my first goal. Lose weight. It will take a load off literally. I was told my cholesterol was kinda high, but doctor said I'm young and I can fix it before it's too bad.

Also, for help, I need to stop Facebook. I deleted the app.
It's hard to fully quit when friends only want to communicate through Facebook messenger instead of actually text messaging. (They even have my number). Also, I tried deleting in the past but friends beg me to be back on it. I don't post anything. Just people like tagging me in things to show me something funny.
But with Facebook I find myself mindlessly scrolling to waste time.

I try to make routines and I'll be good for a few days maybe a week or two and I end up again with no motivation and sleeping all day. However, I am a lot better than I was before but still poopy at times.

I have hobbies to do but no motivation.
I want to learn Japanese for example.

Ugh. I'm sorry for blabbering, but I just got done crying to my boyfriend about these things but I feel like he doesn't fully understand.

So...

How do find motivation in times when you don't feel like doing anything?
How to make a good routine?
How to follow it?
*biggest issues*

I'll figure out school and etc later. First goals: lose weight, feel more confident, occupy myself more instead of social media. Self-healing basically.