I'm sorry you feel this way. And you are not alone. I've been with my Husband 20 years. Kids are 11 and 9. After having my youngest I realized that my husband would never be the person I needed in my life. That was the first time I truly considered leaving. BUT with 2 small toddlers, I just couldn't give up that time with them. I wanted to be there and be a great mom. So I threw myself into my kids and my marriage and ignored all my displeasure. Making the most out of life. And you know...given the choice at that time. I probably would make the same decision...for my kids.
Now...10 years later. The problem is still there. And bigger. I think I was like you...waiting for something to happen that would change the course of my life. Guess what...it never did. I dreamed of winning the lottery so I would have the means to support my kids without him.
I never said it out loud though....not even to myself.
Then one day I did. After going through 2 years of struggling with anxiety and depression...and receiving no help from my husband. I had to admit, out loud, to myself, that despite living in a house full of people. I was lonely.
And despite wearing a smile and finding joy in my children....I was sad.
I missed having a partner. Someone to conquer the world with. I missed having someone to talk to. To care about me. It sounded so weak to me because I have always relied on myself.
The foundation of my illusion started to Crack. ..
I couldn't keep pretending.
So I didn't.
I quit putting my time and effort into my marriage . I'm still and incredible mom. Bit I refused to be manipulated into putting all my time and energy into a man who gives nothing back.
And you know what...I got my answer. It wasn't the one I wanted. He really didn't give a ****. He's only interested in putting in a little effort to save his marriage. Oh...don't get me wrong. He thinks he has. Too little . Too late.
The problem is. Once you speak the truth to yourself. It's hard to keep ignoring. So, I started taking steps to leave. I went from part time to full time. Saved money. Ect ect.
I'm still here. My husband and I don't even talk anymore. I've been preparing to leave for 1 year.
I haven't told anyone. But it has given me strength. That in another 6 month. I do have the means to leave.
This doesn't have to be you. But maybe you take some steps now as a "just in case"
What truly motivated me was this...what am I teaching my children about marriage? That it's normal for the husband to sleep on the couch? That the woman works like a slave, while the man watches TV? That if ur unhappy in life, then too bad? U made ur bed, now be miserable in it till you die.
I want my kids to know that even if you make a wrong decision in life. You have the power to change your life. The ultimate goal is happiness. And we deserve this too.
Nothing ever changes...if you never change anything.
And perhaps leaving isn't your solution. I once knew a lady, her and her husband had nothing in common. He hunted and fished. She traveled over seas. They share a house for financial purposes. And basically are friends living together.
My point is...you need to find your joy in life. Whatever that is. Denial will only get you so far, before the foundation cracks. Take care❤