I think one of the reasons that I'm so worried about not inflating the things that my parents did is because my mom was really big on looking like the victim. I was always the one she talked to about how unfair my dad was. As a child I really sympathized for her and I thought my dad was the most horrible person and so unfair. In my teenage years I had a more balanced approach as a mediator to show her things that she should've done proactively and things that might help or be more assertive, instead of trying to be the victim. But I think because of that it's just one of the reasons why I feel cautious about overemphasizing their bad in order to make me look like the victim. Thing may be in that way, I really don't want to be scene like a victim or scene like I was not in control or like there was not something I couldn't have done to stop it. I hate that attitude that my mom has that everything is so horrible and nobody understands what's she's going through. I just rather realize that some things are bad that I'm going to deal with it. Not deal with it in a negative way, but that I'm going to be fine, and I’m not going to pretend like there's no way I can control things, and that there's no way I can change things as if I’m helpless. So I’m not sure if this attitude helps or hurts me but it just one emotion that I can’t identify with. I can’t identify with feeling helpless with everyday life. I mean in a way that's bad because I'll fill the frustration instead and take it inside and end up cutting and then I’ll figure out some way to deal with it, but it's a lot better than trying to fill helpless, woe is me, and everyone please feel sorry for me. And so maybe that has a lot to do with the way that I think that having my mom and dad close is good for me, because psychologically maybe it takes away my feelings of helplessness and aloneness. It might add a little frustration, but it feels like a resource. I'm not alone. I have my parents and family and support and everything will be okay. I think it just doesn't work during times when I'm feeling stressed or there is some threat to my ability to control life and then frustrates me and I think it may be is more internalized and i feel like cutting because I feel like there's so many things that I could do to change things in life but I cant do them. And I often mess them up, and its like there is this weakness inside and I can’t communicate with people and do the practical things everybody else does because there is this weakness or helplessness in those areas. I guess maybe that in that way. It's not acceptable for me to try to talk about all the problems I have, so instead I end up keeping them inside and being self-destructive.

Just some thoughts about helplessness