This is what happened at my recent pdoc appt. Sorry its long.

So I saw my pdoc yesterday. And he was uncharacteristically honest.
He said as soon as he saw me he thought to himself- oh great, there she is and she is still depressed. That i was moving like i had lead weights attached to my legs, like even getting the bathroom key was an effort. And that he felt like nothing he was doing was helping me, that he was feeling useless.

He also said he thinks my mood episodes are most likely medication-induced, from the prednisone and other physical meds I have to take. I can't stop them, and bc of my complicated health history I can't take most psych meds and anything I do take has to be double checked w/ my other doctor first. So i am a complicated case. Great, huh...

He said that he didn't think my medications were working anymore. That he thought i was basically walking around un-medicated, because the wellbutrin and/or lamicatal didnt appear to be helping me at all anymore.
To which I sort of agree with.

So he said how he feels completely useless, that there is not much else to except a few SSRI ADs i have not yet taken. I asked him if the medications were not working, was it possible that they were actually making me worse? And he replied "that is an interesting question..." But the only way to know is to stop them and see what happens. I was all like- fine, lets chuck them right now!! But he said its complicated and requires a lot of careful planning and monitoring. Also, that i need to add more coping mechanisms (like a regular exercise schedule, etc).

Because while they may no longer be helping me be 80% back to normal, it is possible that they are helping a little, and that by stopping them i would lose that 20-30% and end up even worse. That he doesnt want to hear i ended up in the hospital or worse. He wants to talk with my medical doctor, and if i decide to try this to plan out a very slow and monitored lowering of the meds i am on now. We are going to wait a few months until summer, when im not working, to try this so if anything goes wrong it wont affect my job.

So my appointment did not go at all as planned. I figured he would want to add some other new med or do nothing. If we stop the meds and I don't feel better or get worse and he cant find anything else i can take, i may be fuuucked. But i have been questioning if they are doing anything for a while now, and if they are not working it is like i am already not taking anything, and I have been (mostly) holding it together.

I dont have anything against meds, if they work. But i am not going to endure side effects and possible long term issues if they are not even working... So i have no new medical interventions available to me to help climb out of this depression, which sucks. I am counting on the spring to get me out of this depression. And i am actually sort of hopeful and curious to see whether i am the same or better off these meds. I know it is risky, but it would be the first time i actually stopped meds the right way, tapering and with a doctor's guidance and support.

Anyway, that is my pdoc appt saga so far...
Not sure if there is any actual question in here, I just wanted to be able to share this with somebody.