Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3
Would you be willing to share something of what people say about you?
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Well, I used to have random boys or groups of boys walk next to me on the street mocking how I looked, mock asking me if I was a boy or a girl despite clearly knowing I was a girl. I have had a couple make fun of me and make bets about my gender on the subway, stuff like that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3
What if it were?
I guess what I am wondering about is this: you have tried to attract men without, I gather, modifying your presentation in any way. You have tried hard at this, but it doesn't seem to be working. So that seems to mean that there is a conflict between your (valid) desire to express yourself authentically and your (valid) desire to have an intimate relationship. Both desires are completely valid, but if they do in fact conflict, what (if anything) would you be willing to do resolve the conflict?
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If I am completely undesirable and unlovable as I am then honestly the solution is not to be alive anymore because I cannot and will not live a life completely devoid of love and intimacy and a life of constant desexualization and dehumanization, in a world that has no place for me.
If my gender identity is not good enough, if it makes me this sexual, romantic nullity then there's no point because it's not just a style, it's not a choice and I never hid it so at 30 I am not able to even cope with wearing clothes that cause me dysphoria, that don't represent me. I would if I could.
At the same time, since my presentation has to do with my identity, I could never feel loved or desired for pretending to be something I am not. How could I feel safe, intimate and truly connected to someone if I felt he only likes a fake version of me, that he only likes me because I hide a large part of my identity?
I guess it really seems I can't ever be desired, that who I am and how I look can't be loved in an intimate,romantic way and so my body will never know a loving, passionate touch. That is no way to live and it hurts even more knowing my naked body isn't in fact in any way different from that of what society deems womanly but just because I don't act or dress a certain way I am no good.
I don't want to die like this, without these human experiences, I don't want a life devoid of all of this and I can't find positivity anywhere. It's painful and humiliating and dehumanizing. Is it really that impossible to see beyond clothes? It's not like I walk around dressed in a suit and tie, I just don't buy my tshirts and sweaters and jeans tailored for women