Hey- thanks for the idea. My pdoc actually came up with the idea of adding a stimulant (Ritalin) at our last appt, but when I ran it by my medical doctor the idea got shot down bc it interacts with one of the other medications. Which sucks.

I suppose if I am out of psych meds to try, there is still other stuff like light therapy and accupuncture and stuff I can try. Idk. The options left kind of suck though. So It seems like I can either be physically well or mentally well, but I am not allowed to be both!


My pdoc was concerned that if I got worse, the depression might cause me to neglect my physical health by stopping taking those meds as a sort of passive suicidal gesture. I have thought that before- I don't actually have to DO anything to off myself. All I really would have to do is stop taking my kidney meds and wait for the disease to do it for me...

(note- I'm not sui and have no intent to do this. And I sort of suspect that even if I was, I would still take those meds before stepping off a cliff or whatever, as it seems disrespectful to my donor"s family to do anything to harm my kidney. Yeah I know my being dead would harm it; sui thoughts are not rational!).

I feel like I was supposed to die at 13, and bc I didn't and got this transplant and have had mostly good physical health since then, that the price of that is my mental health. And that is really fuccked up. Nobody ever warned me that the medications I would have to take forever might ****kk up my brain and my moods!

I think bc I had this huge health thing as a kid, I sort of thought I was safe from any other huge tragedy or illness happening to me. Like I had endured this deadly illness and gotten over my Bad Thing in childhood, I was done. It was now somebody else"s turn to have something bad happen to them. That's probably a really immature way of looking at life, but I sort of feel like statistically the bad luck should have been done with me after that.

Anyway I got off topic here and am rambling- sorry.
It's just sort of scary that there might not be any medications out there to help me that I am able to take. So right now I am trying to focus on self care and waiting for the spring to lift my mood. And I have to be hopeful that maybe just maybe I will be better off of medication than I currently am while on. At least I have a few months to mull that one over. And maybe get a second opinion. It sucks tho bc doctors are always scared to treat me bc they don't want to screw with my physical health. Ugh.