It's 4:30 AM. I tried to sleep but I can't. The reason? I decided to check Facebook. I hadn't for awhile because it's been depressing me. I scrolled down my Feed, past all the usual fluffy posts and then something caught my eye. My friend, who I hadn't spoken to in months, had made a frantic post: Does anyone have a carseat???!! 2 days ago. I knew that she was due with her 2nd child, a girl, any day now. I instantly looked across the room at the carseat I had in the corner.
6 months to this day my daughter Angel Grace, my pride and joy was stillborn. Ever since I had been holding onto all of her things but some reason I was most attached to the carseat. Maybe it was because it had been hard for me, being so poor, to buy. Maybe it was because it was SO easy to look at it and imagine her strapped into it. Or maybe because like any mother safety was always my first concern. And the carseat is a symbol of protection. I wanted nothing more than to protect my precious baby girl.

I'll admit I hesitated. I wanted to keep it because the thought of giving it away made me feel like I was giving up the last tangible piece I had left of my daughter. But then I thought about this friend. She's 9 months pregnant. She and her husband have no income whatsoever and a 3 year old daughter. The hospital won't let you leave with out a carseat. She needed it. All of a sudden a deep calmness that I had never felt since my daughter passed away rushed over me. I looked at the seat again and no longer felt attached to it. But I felt my Angel's presence deeper than ever before. She knew this baby. She was watching over her. She knew this little girl was the one who needed protection, not her. It's okay Mommy. You can let go now.

I replied to my friend and told her if they still needed a carseat they could come by and get it later today, and that I had some diapers, bottles and clothes (although most of Angel's clothes were for winter, I managed to find some onesies, a sleeper and a dress). Both of them answered immediately, and seemed relieved that they had found a carseat. They thanked me and said they would be by this afternoon to pick it up.

It sounds like such a simple thing but I know now that this is the reason Angel left me. She was strong. And resilient. Strong and resilent enough that she never needed a carseat. She is my daughter. Like me. This baby was strong too, because she stayed and grew. But she needed protection. So Angel gave her the seat. Don't thank me. Thank Angel.

Peace. Pure peace.