Hmm, that is interesting.

I know I did that several years ago in my own relationship. It was like the cloud began looming on the drive home and descended the minute I walked through the door.

I thought it was my husband and began resenting it/him. I realized that it wasn't my husband but that he was just a part of that "cloud".

I felt overwhelmed when I came home. It was hard for me to go from working, just to walk through the door to more work and demands...I wished I'd just stayed where I was. I would dream of coming home to feel a relief and sense of "home" and I'd end up feeling unsettled and disappointed.

I felt unnoticed for what was important to me though he was doting to me personally. I didn't necessarily want that kind of attention because I had other needs...needs he was missing completely.

I needed acknowledgments in ways that he wasn't picking up on. When I needed space it's like he knew it and then felt threatened by it, smothering me more. When I needed cuddling, he was on the couch. He'd hand me money to pay the bills when I needed him to share the responsibility. We were just way out of sync. All along he's thinking he's doing good and helping, and he was but not in the ways that I needed.

Could that be it? Could it be that he's just a part of the bigger picture, but is central to it as well? At work, he's precious and you're lucky. When you get home, he's not giving you what you really need and desire in the mix?

I think you're on the right track in knowing where the difficulty might be and when you figure it out, talking with him might help. Explain to him that you feel awful when you come home and though you know it's not him, he's there and you don't like feeling that way? He sounds like the kind of guy who would try to help you pinpoint what's going on and work with you.

What do you think?

KD