I tried to post this earlier but I think i botched it. I saw my T
today and am processing things from earlier…
T told me she is meeting with my dr this week to figure out what to do with me - and let me tell you I'm a little freaked out about that. Trying to determine where the fear comes from (internally -DID/MPD) . Thoughts are pretty jumbled right now, have been all day. I’m getting snippets of thoughts from inside; I hate to waste both their time just to talk about me…. I’m really not worth it, not that important… there will be trouble, there always is when people collaborate to discuss another…. I can’t be ‘that bad’ off. Ok so I switch a little and do ‘scratches' (SI), so what - it’s not a big deal…. What will happen? …this image (probably not originally mine, but of my family) of ‘this is where the order is given for me to be locked away in a loony bin’.
T had said to me “You want your care to be coordinated, of course” and the thought was “oh s***! I‘m in trouble!”

T also made a comment about my appearing fine from the outside- this is strange to me and yet a constant. Of course I look fine on the outside - that’s the rule. That’s how it is, how I was conditioned. My family has always looked fine on the outside. “Oh you have the prefect parents”, “You’re just the greatest family - like the ‘Cleavers’”. “You’re dad’s the greatest guy, you’re so lucky”. Even on the inside - mom would tell me “You’re so lucky, you’ve never been abused.” I didn’t know what to tell her - or any body else. I’d just smile and look at them like they’re clueless. Mom’s always dressed nice - even on causal Friday’s. She always has the perfect phone voice, she’s never too loud (unless yelling at me), a perfectionist, always a big smile and willing-to-do-anything attitude for anyone “out there”. It’s all show, all a front. And it all gets dropped at home. She has no idea - it’s not on purpose. She has an “out there” self and a home self.

I’ve lived 30 years in the “nothing is as it seems” life and can’t look bad even when I try - trust me, I have tried. Cutting, I think, is also a part of that - it is real pain that is tangible- I can see it, I can feel the marks. And I can hide them from people just like I hide me from people.

Hmmmm that may also be why having my T meeting with my dr. scares me - it means I’m being seen. And being seen in my life has rarely meant safety. I’m fairly good at being invisible when I want to. In my family we didn’t even use what I call “real-speak”. We talked around things, never using the real name or real concepts. We talked about them in the negative like they didn’t exist; Dad would say to me “I’d kill any guy that so much as looks at you funny, and tear him limb from limb if he touches you.” Course, that would mean he’d have to kill himself. Maybe it was a means of denying his own actions. He sure didn’t rip his friend to pieces who was eying me and said things to me. He told him to knock it off. That was it. It took me a while to figure this out in counseling and understand why I couldn’t answer a direct question about my experiences. Ahhhhhhhhhh I’m getting my tell-tale headache now. Went too far - censor hit the button.

I'm just scared and anxious about this. maybe it will be fine... but it panicks me quite a lot. feels out of control.