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What bothers me a lot is the fact that I am marginalized and treated as unworthy because I cannot socialize properly. I think the fact that I cannot behave normal socially makes me feel so bad about myself and it affects my self-esteem for next times I try to socialize.
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I can see that is a kind of a circle - you try to push yourself to socialise, you feel uncomfortable, you are aware of your own behaviour not matching expectations (maybe your own/others), in turn you feel bad which affects your confidence.
I personally think you ought to try to balance your 'inner critic', and not feel so bad about yourself - from my perspective I can see how much effort you are putting into these situations, that is something you should be proud of. Maybe adjusting your expectations would help, for example you mentioned eye contact - maybe working on that might be a small progress you can make, rather than expecting flowing conversation at this stage. Little victories.
Be kind to yourself.