I'm finding it really difficult to cope with all the thoughts in my head. I know some of them are irrational, but they're still there.

I've had no self-esteem for years, but I don't see it as a self-esteem issue - in my mind, I have the right level of self-esteem for the quality of person I am, because I am a worthless waste of oxygen with no good qualities or talents. Well, if I have good qualities, I can't find or access them. People have told me I should work on improving my self-esteem, but I don't want to do that because I'm just generally rubbish and don't want to lie to myself and make me believe positive things about myself that aren't true, just to make myself happy.

Having to live as me makes me feel so depressed and I so desperately want to be something, but it's so hard to improve myself when my mental state is like this. Some people close to me have told me things they find positive about me, but I always deny and argue against them, so people stop trying because they know I'll just shut down whatever they say. I'm realising that I have a mental block about accepting positive (if there even is anything positive about me) about myself - maybe because it's hard to think anything good about someone I hate so much? There's something in my mind that prevents me not hating myself, like I can't even get my head around the idea of me ever being okay with myself. I always say I can't think of any good things about myself but I think it's also that I don't want to think of anything good, because that would destroy the image of myself being this worthless trash, which is something I've felt for so long that that's what I'm used to now (I struggle with change). Like I try to think of something, then there's part of my mind that just makes me stop and not going any deeper into it. I don't want to do the whole self-love thing, but I can't cope with feeling like this.