Emotions are difficult. Especially when they’re more intense than we’re used to. I’ve run into somewhat of a problem. For a very long time, I ignored my emotions and hid them from the rest of the world. Eventually, I became so out of touch with my feelings that I began to believe I wasn’t human. Only very recently have I been “feeling” again. My problem is that my emotions are so intense that I any little disturbance (usually overdue schoolwork) will cause me to explode. During one of these “explosions” I had an argument with my mom about how I just need to push through it. I said “It just seems unfair that other people don’t get this worked up over homework.”
She responded with “You have no idea what other people are going through” followed by “Think of how your sister reacts to this stuff.” I snapped back with “She doesn’t consider suicide every time this happens.” Then, silence. Then I asked “Why do I have to go through this every time?” Mom said “The ‘why’ is never helpful in these situations.” That got me thinking: what is wrong with me? All I want to know is WHY I’m like this. If I have a reason, maybe it won’t feel so spontaneous. I’m a pretty logical person and I’d rather know why this happens than what it does to me. Part of me thinks this is temporary and will go away as I adapt to having emotions again, and another part of me thinks that this is an illness that I will never escape. All I want is answers. Reasons. Causes. I just want something to blame.