Inner conflicts are part of being human. They hurt. The thing is who do you want to be? Forget what anyone else says, you get to define yourself and decide what is right for you. Sometimes a therapist can help point out pros and cons, and be a guide, but eventually you get to define your own boundaries and express your own preferences. Some of this just comes out of getting more experiences.

As for fearing that no guy will ever love you - if that were literally true, I would have to assume my entire gender is heartless, an incompetent judge of character, and blind. I've read enough of your posts to conclude that you are a thoughtful, considerate person with deep feelings and relatable fears. What is there not to like? Sooner or later, surely you will find someone who loves you for you and the mutual chemistry will work. I wish I could offer some "one weird trick" that makes it all work more efficiently.