My grandfather passed away all of a sudden. He died of natural causes / old age after few days of weakness.
I was going through existential anxiety for three months prior to this. Just when I got some hope of things improving, this happened. This is my first experience with death of someone whom I had memories of and of irreparable loss.
I feel so numb. Not the cold sort of numb, but literally feeling nothing sort of numb. It is not because of shock, I don't know why I had a premonition about this the night before, and in the morning my family discovered that he was not waking up and it was all over. In less than 6 hours he was cremated. So sudden and unexpected.
There are still relatives visiting over and a few more rituals remaining. I feel lost, what emptiness I have to deal with after every relative is gone after visiting in a few days. I am not feeling visible sorrow, but I loved him dearly. It's like I am suppressing my feelings because I also have to give strength to other people in the house. Occasionally I cry for a few seconds and then stop when someone comforts me or while sleeping.
I don't feel regrets, what's gone is gone, but I have no idea how to grieve. This is such an unfamiliar experience.