Thank you Catgirl26 I do understand your post & appreciate your comments.
Here are a few of my issues.

I'm not employed. Now I have been actively applying for work to help get my feet under me & feel more confident, but I feel l can't make a big move w/o financial independence. Also the jobs I applied to are part time. Realistically w/my MH issues I know I'd do better getting my feet wet in the work force with part time work. So I'm hoping to find something I'd like to do for the next 20 yrs till I can "retire." Money is a huge issue.

Now some days I feel confident & know I can make changes that will help me, but I get waves of fright & I freeze. That this will all be the worst decision & I don't feel like I can do it. I feel like a coward & I will fail miserably with nothing & no one to rely on. I've never done anything by myself.
So I know I need to take baby steps.
And yes I know my kids can now pick up on how miserable I am. They don't see much affection either from my SO & I. They just see us as parents. He makes money, I'm just a mom. I feel powerless.
I also know that if I take these steps my husband will feel blindsided. But if he really truly looks at things he'd see how unhappy I am, but he won't ever see that honestly.
He's very focused on how things look to others in society.

He came home from work one time talking about a couple he knows in the workplace & how the husband had an affair. It went like wildfire & everyone agreed what a horrible man this guy was. I told my SO that this wasn't a fair judgement call & no one has the right to say that bec we don't know both sides. People have affairs for a reason. He looked at me with such great disdain that I felt this way.
If I'd walk away I'd be seen as the bad guy & he'd make sure that everyone knew that bec at work, he's a totally different person. He's the guy that everyone looks up to & everyone says what a kind & thoughtful man he is, so dedicated! Everyone just loves him. He's a powerhouse in his work & has boatloads of friends & associates. I have none. Really, none. Does it bother me that these people will probably blame me? Maybe a bit yeah, but I don't know them so I don't care too much, but it also angers me that my side will not be heard. He will be the martyr.
But no one sees the side of him that comes home.

3 yrs ago I told him I wanted to stop therapy & all my meds. I had a new plan & if I ran into trouble I'd seek help. He said ok.
That was the last time we discussed my MH issues. He thinks they just disappeared! That he doesn't have to ask about how I am on the inside; that somehow I'm just fine & all my issues are magically gone. Don't ask; don't tell! I've had 3 major suicide attempts in this marriage & he doesn't bother to ask me how I really am? What am I?
When I occasionally tell him I'm feeling depressed he tells me to "rest" which is the worst advice....or that I need to go to the gym more!
He doesn't wanto hear about it. He's in his own little world & doesn't wanto be bothered. I feel like a nuisance.

If I say "I need to talk more, I'm really hurting etc" he'll say, well we have insurance go find another therapist.
So in my mind I feel neglected. But is that just in my head? Bec on the outside, in theory, he's doing what he needs to, to keep the family together. He's the provider. Pays the bills for all of us. He's a good dad & loves his kids. He thinks life is good. What more could he do. So I guess I'm the one causing problems.
Then I think I AM the one that is all wrong.
My thinking has become so terribly distorted that I don't know the truth anymore.