Thank you Hopingtrying.
Yes money is a real factor bec even tho I'd like to claim my independence & leave I know I couldn't do it alone & the worst would be having to crawl back & ask for help. I know that would just kill me mentally.

I am looking for work. I've applied to 2 PT jobs that I think I'd like. I don't wanto get a crappy job that I'd resent & hate. I'm trying to think this through & make careful decisions. My niche market, where I'd fit best is small, so I look carefully.

Last yr I lost my 29 yr old nephew to a successful suicide & had to watch my family go thru it. It was difficult, but also brought other feelings to the table like jealousy.
As of today & hopefully in the future I hope not to go down that road just for the sake of my kids. The amount of damage it would cause them. So I know I have to wipe that away.
But on my bad days I actually (hate to say) I resent my kids for being here as a preventative! Now that's some twisted thinking! And I hate to admit that, but it's true.
My thinking has gotten so twisted it's almost laughable & I know it's not logical so sometimes I have to be careful of my own self & check in on myself bec I'm just not sure what is logical anymore.
Has my marriage to my SO warped my thinking & changed me so much that I don't recognize my true self.
Really I'm not sure who that is. Feels like a baby at my age.

All this type of thinking crap keeps me up at night & gets deep. Maybe too deep.