We will always be bonded to our mothers in some way and you and your mother have been through a lot. Perhaps hating her is a necessary stage for you to go through in order to make a break from the power she has over you. It is not like you are hating her without reason. Go easy on yourself but eventually you are going to need to feel a bit less hate for your sake. Maybe you just need time to get there? Unless she is truly on her death bed, stay away from her as long as she is upsetting to you. You need to put yourself first. I DO NOT think badly of you, rather, I know how much you have done for her, how much you really love her, etc. Your H now understands how abusive she can be. SHE (only in part but she did cause a lot of stress for your H and you) might even be the reason your marriage is on shaky grounds. It is sad that at the end of her life she is not an uplifting influence for you. I feel so badly for you. I do not think you will end up like her--you have the choice to take another road. You are so sweet and loving but mostly, you are really smart in many ways and can use that intelligence to navigate the rest of your life better than she did. Of course, for her sake and her daughter's sake's I wish she would have an attitude change but I wouldn't count on it. I am sorry that this is so painful. Please don't blame yourself anymore.