I'm so glad you posted this. You'll get through this. I promise you: you will get through this. I am absolutely NOT saying it isn't hard or terrifying or sad or a whole slew of other shi**y things. It's all of those and more and I'm so sorry this is happening.

I know how it feels. It's rotten! My pdoc retired after I had been with him 21 years. He was the only one who understood me the way he did. He taught me how to think--not just about bipolar but in general--because he thought out loud when we were discussing. That's huge! It was hard and sometimes still is. But you get through with help and hugs.

Some ideas...

First, do not be hard on yourself because you put it off. You need extra love going through this, not a punching. OK? You put it off with good reason. It totally makes sense that you did. Don't make the situation worse by beating yourself up. Be as compassionate as you can toward yourself.

Have you told pdoc what you've just told us? If not, DO!

Can your old pdoc recommend someone for you?

Then...Down the road, can you see if he will consult with your new doc (whoever that turns out to be) on your behalf to kind of pave the way for a more knowledgeable and helpful understanding? You usually have to pay both doctors for something like this, and of course you'll need a release of info, but when your old doc talks to your new doc, you might feel better grounded because he's passing along that understanding you cherish.

If your doc can't refer, ask your therapist. And consider signing a release right away so that, if this issue causes increasing stress in therapy that makes you at high risk for falling off the edge, your therapist in conversation with your prescriber can possibly help to bring you back quicker than without.

Contact your local NAMI chapter. Turn on your location and Google, "NAMI near me." They have support groups with live people who are like us, and their staff should be able to provide you with referrals to additional support sources and a listening ear. Kindness, support, understanding. You know? What you need a lot of when going through this.

Last, remember us. We're all here for you. We are here. And so are the people in your life that love and support you. I am so sorry for how damn SCARY this is! Take whatever PRN meds you have for the anxiety and think about all those sources of support. Family, friends, your new doc, your therapist, US.

Hugs!