The 31st is creaping up and I am really struggling with it. My babies due date. It is getting harder and harder to look at babies, pregnant women, my own kids....

I have this strong sense of loss right now. What my little baby would have looked like. Boy or a girl. How sweet they would have been. I found myself at the store buying pants for my son and I ended up in the baby section. I stared at the newborn clothes, cribs, toys, even diapers. I am so sad and want my baby back.

I am not sure how to get through this day. I am alone for this weekend. My kids are with their dad, bf has to work, my parents will be out of town looking for a house to buy. I really am not sure if I will be "safe with myself". How terrible does that sound!!! Its honesty at its finest. I am scared, angry, and simply hating myself. Did I make the wrong choice? Maybe I could have carried this baby safely. Now I will never know. My baby had no chance to prove everyone wrong and I made this choice. I wish I could hit that rewind button. Cause it hurts so fricking much and I want to smash everything is sight. And its my own doing....

Justy