I have the power to destroy myself, destroy my body. I have the power to drive the knife so deep that the pain pours from my inner soul. I have the key to bring out what kills inside. So if I bring it out does it make it better?

I have the power to end the pain. I have the power to ease this troubled mind. I have the key to my own forgivness, shall I use it? So if I forgive myself, does it get better?

I have the power to stop the insanity. I have the power to drain this black disgusting blood that rushes through my body. I hold the key to the unanswered questions that grasp this monster inside. So if I win, do I really win?

So who is winning in the end. Me or the monster that is choking me. Is it the monster that proves my shame when it tightens its grip. The monster that shows itself in the mirror that I despise? Is it me that I hate or is it the monster that I can't beat. So I have this power to make my plans. My plans to take the knife and finish off what I started years ago. My plans to leave with this monster so it can't win anymore.

I have the power to stop the monster. I have the power to give in to the monster. I hold the key to wellness. I hold the key to death. Which key is it. I see so many I feel weighed down. Fumbling with the metal, trying to desperately search for the right one. They all look and feel the same. Which one is it? Which one ends up with the power? So do I go or do I stay? Do I fumble for the rest of my life searching for the magical key or do I give into to the one that has deceit burned into to its metal?

Where does the questions end and the answers start to become clear? When does the guilt, the pain, the pure sadness shed some light, the deep dark world of this person who can't find the exit to the path she is on? Is December my end to a wrongful beginning? My creation that was not meant to be. The missing soul who has not yet found what it takes to just be a whole. Where is the spirit, the mind, the body, the entire "being"? I can't find all of her. So is December my end to a wrongful beginning that was created 29 years ago.

I have the power.... I hold the key...

Justy