Not sure how I feel T. Nothing physical but still all over the place. Don't know what to do for the best, everything or nothing. Aaaarrrrrgggggghhhhh I am getting tired of this f*****g rollercoaster all of the time. Why can't I just be in a good place for a decent amount of time? Why can't I just open up to people in my life? It isn't fair. I had to deal with all of that crap growing up and now I have to deal with all of this crap now getting over that crap. Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh. Maybe. Just maybe these are angry thoughts, but I don't feel angry. This huge disconnect drives me insane in my head and I font know what, if anything, I can do about it.

Everyone has crap, I am no different to everyone else in that respect, so why is it important?

You rubbed my hand today when I said that I was ashamed of being me. That felt like it made you sad, to see those words written down by me. You don't know the half of it in that respect, of how I feel about myself sometimes.

I DO NOT understand how I am supposed to make friends, real friends. I DO NOT understand this thing about sharing little by little and growing closer together. It doesn't make any f*****g sense to me AT ALL. I share a little bit and then I run away and hide and they do not come to find me so I stay hidden, until I pop out again weeks later, because I feel alone, and pretend that the sharing never happened. How do I get past that????!!!!! How on earth am I supposed to change that behaviour. We gave talked about writing it all out and just handing it over to them and then they can decide if they want to hang around a person as messed up as me, but you haven't seemed too convinced by this idea in the past. But to me, it feels like the only way that I can do this. It will take literally forever otherwise. It will never happen. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HUMAN INTERACTION. This makes me feel like an alien and then I interact less than I was before. Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh.

T,
I tried to call the hotline. I was chuckling because I didn't know what to say. The woman on the phone hang up.


It took me everything to call there. And they hung up.

T-

I know you don't care that I email you and that you can see that it helps to get all my emotions out. But today I am afraid to email you because I don't want to alarm you. I just want to be honest like I have been with my emotions, but they are getting lower and lower as time goes on. Please don't be alarmed when I email you.