Werewoman - I have been where you are. My sexual abuse from the past affects my married sex now. I have only been married to my H for 22 years. I finally told him 3 years ago what happened in my past with sexual abuse. That didn't help things in the bedroom, but at least he knows and knows why I cry when we have sex, and why I can't do certain things, and he can't say certain things.

I have been in T for this going on 4 years. The abuse affects me today like it happened yesterday. In T the counselor had me write my story with abuse, one event at a time. I choose one event and wrote about it. I used all the words I could to describe everything to the best of my ability. The colors, the floor, the walls, the smells, the taste, the sensations, my fears, what my inner thoughts were.

Until you work threw what your ears heard, and what your eyes saw, what your nose smelled, what things tasted like, and how you felt and what you thought, it is hard to get past it. Each sense has it's own memory. You have to give each sense a voice.

I wrote what happened and went over each sense. Then I took that and let my T read it. Eventually I let my H read it to. Then I wrote what my abuser stole from me. My ability to trust, to love, to have sex, to feel safe and so on. I was to write it as if I was talking directly to him.

After that I wrote what I would do if I could do something now. If there were no laws, no morally correct, no guidelines, what would I do to him to make him feel like I felt.

Lastly I took the power back by writing a series of things to take the power back and not give that power to him. I put this in the form of a letter to. Ex. You took from me the ability to love, or so you thought, now I am happily married. You stole my ability to feel safe, yet I can go outside at night now, so you didn't really have that ability. I will not let you steal from me my joy and zeal for life.

After that I jsut kept it in a note book. I went threw each situation I was in with this man, and did all those steps with each event. Maybe that will help you. But I would not do that with out hte help of a trained T.

Now when my H and I have sex, I still don;t like it. But I don;t cry, and I don't throw up. He knows my boundaries. I have learned how to cope with sex. Many good techniques. I donlt think I should share those on the forums but I would be more then happy to PM u if you would like. There are things you can do to help. Stupid little stuff like wearing socks. Or wearing a shirt. Setting a timer so you will know that it will stop.
That helped me lots. There are many other things you can do.

Good luck with this. We are all here if you need us. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Please don;t hesitate to PM me if I can help in any way. After all the crap that has happened to me, the last key to healing is to share and help others. If there is no other good that can come from this, the ability to relate to others in the same situation has been the silver lining.