Quote:
Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
Have you ever experienced the "feeling" of truly feeling safe? Do you have a memory of feeling safe? Are you able to feel it now?
I've been searching in my mind/memories to find a place in time that I felt safe. Ok. It's just not there. It is almost causing a panic because I can't find that place. The panic is coming from wondering if I will ever know that feeling. What DOES safe feel like?
My counselor and I have talked about this and I can't wrap my brain around or understand what the feeling would be. It's much like me trying to explain to him, what it feels like to me when I'm there but as a passenger. I don't have words to explain that, and I don't have experience to understand what safe feels like.
I think there is anger under the panic going on. It won't help to get mad. It won't fix it.
Does "safe" sound foreign to anyone else?
Has anyone else realized they didn't know what safe felt like, and then find it?
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I have not felt safe since I realized that I had a dissociative disorder in 1991. At first it was mild but the fear intensified over time. My Dad died in 1993 leaving my mentally ill Mother alone. I tried to call her every day. Mom caused and promoted my dissociative disorder. It was inevitable that she would cause my dissociative disorder to exhibit more often. As the symptoms increased so did my fear. My alcoholism increased to deal with the fear. Then I had a total mental breakdown in 2001. After that I got into a whole lot of legal problems which only made everything worse. So now I live with intense fear and paranoia on a daily basis. I am hoping that if I get back into the Jenkin's Veterans Domiciliary in Lake City, Florida that I can feel safe again. I never should have left but I was so mad at the mental health professionals at the VA for not even talking to me about dissociative disorders that I deluded myself into thinking that I could get to a specialist in Georgia. This trip to Georgia, my original home state, has been a total failure.