My survival instinct is extremely high. How amazing that is. People tell me I am strong.
But my survival instinct is just my huge fear of embarrasment and need to conform. To control things. How would I look like in an ambulance...somewhere I can't control me

But.
All I've ever wanted is to lose this control. To let it go. To let myself fall. To make mistakes. But I can't cause I'm not allowed.

I want to bleed from the outside too!!! I want the pain to be visible.

I'm strong and keep going. I've always kept going. Was sick with the flu, kept going to school. Was laghed at, kept going, was feeling horrible inside, kept going, was feeling out of place, my boundaries were violated, my needs not met, kept going. Always a little more self help. And no one knows I am dying inside.

They tell me, keep going, you got so far.

But don't you get it? It's exactly why I want to stop. Because it's a torture. They want to drag me back into a life that's not lived.

I just want to crash. Really. Really. I want that now. Please. I want to be seen, to bleed. I still keep going. Please make this stop.
I don't want to anymore