I had an aha moment this week... I've been doing some memory processing from when I was a teen (for about a month now) and I noticed that after I would work through some stuff that was more difficult than the rest, I would end up holing up under a blanket and kinda day dreaming about this guy I hung out with some time back in the day. I'd get lost in some generally pointless story of some times that never happened. But the day dreams had a common theme of things being okay... the stories in my head helped me hit the internal reset button and be able to get on with my day without becoming a total wreck. I kinda wondered for a minute what my deal was and why I kept thinking about this dude who was not like someone I hung out with a lot or anything. Why him? It was weird to me. Then it occurred to me while I was tackling one memory and he showed up in it as the one person in the middle of an awful event who showed me genuine concern, care, and kindness. This wasn't the first time he did that to me. There was one year in my life where I remember this guy being the only person who ever asked me how I was doing and looked like he cared, and not like I was annoying as f*** for being a buzz kill (as my circle of friends did back then).

Anyway... long story to get to one point... yes, first time in my life I remember feeling safe was sitting in a doorway with some guy who was only kinda my friend back in 10th grade. Go figure. This last month has brought me a few moments of feeling safe, calm, okay. They've been becoming more normal to me. It's not a constant or anything, but it's happening and I never thought it could be this way. I didn't know any different (or recall knowing different) until recently.

-V