tuesday was one of those best session/worst session things. i have been in a very bad way since sunday. had a major melt down and have not recovered. Deep depression, flat, lifeless.. very withdrawn.

T said i had cocooned myself, both in body language and how i was thinking/speaking. He said it looked to him like i felt very little. He said i was speaking very quietly, softly, low. He said i never once looked up.

all true

he coaxed me into looking at him and he was very excited when i was able to glance at him a few times. He kept coaxing me to come out of myself a little bit and was very quick to tell me how well i was doing... he kept saying that it was really cool that i was willing to risk doing what he was asking. He said he was very impressed with me

but he pushed too hard Even he thought so at the end of the day... he said he had pushed me harder than he had felt comfortable with... he was saying it in saying that he was impressed that i had worked with him.

He said he didn't think i could do it

i said it was ok to push me.. because.. well because i wanted to do what he wanted.. and because i was feeling too passive.

i don't feel like pushing me so hard was such a good idea at all now. i feel like i was pulled out too far. i feel frightened and i feel a bit afraid of my T... ok, a LOT afraid of him.

he made me look and talk about things which were very hard.. too hard.. too much... too quick.. overload...panic.

on one hand he gave me the intense emotional connection i had been dying for... and it got him results which shocked him. He finally got what i had been trying to say... that if he would only take that gentle route with me then he would be able to do so much... that he would really reach me. It was really jolting to me that he gave me what i had hoped for... and seems to have finally got what power that held. He said i didn't pull back or resist.

on the other hand... the way he said some things burned me like acid... things that made me feel like how i was feeling was bad.. it embarrassed me how he described my body language.. and he pushed way too hard. i was passive.

i have a session scheduled for tomorrow and i am honestly afraid to go... like really really afraid. i think i have retreated into myself even further. i am terrified.

i just got a call which was upsetting.. and it has sparked another panic attack. My level of stress is way too high... everything spirals me into a terrible place.