I feel like I am falling apart at the seams and I don't know whether I want to stitch myself back up again or just undo them once and for all and be done with it. It's too hard. I can't do it.

I am really tired, and I know it isn't helping, and that I should just go to bed, but I don't. I sit up and fall deeper into the pit. Often. Why? Because I know that if I go to sleep then I will only wake up again and then it all starts over. Over and over and over again. Somewhere inside me I think I wish that if I stay awake and let myself fall into the pit, that it will all be over. That either the world will disappear or that I will disappear. The latter would be preferable, for me.

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.

Maybe we shouldn't waste any more time on all of this. Can't I just go back to the way things were? I don't need people in my life. I want them, but I don't need them.

It's too hard.
It's too hard.
It's too hard.

It's too complicated. It's too confusing. It's too painful. It's too much for me.

I am useless. I can't even figure out how to build a relationship.

But things won't go back to how they were, will they. Things never go back exactly as they were. So what do I do? Help me, please. Help me.