I usually post in Personality Place, and my posting here may be scary to anybody who is in touch with vulnerable "littles" so I apologize in advance and have put a trigger icon on.

I was diagnosed several years ago with what was then DDNOS and PDNOS. I do not lose time but have two now mostly integrated "antisocial" parts/alters, one very narcissistic and one "malignant". They do not act out a lot, but they have IN THERAPY because that's the only way I can/could know what they feel and are like!

I have a good ability to keep them "turned off" -- also turned against me -- which I have recognized is not healthy and decided several years ago not to "off" myself because even it was "best" to get my toxicity out of the world, my daughter would pick up on the notion that what I did was "hurting" her and blame me entirely, which was not entirely accurate and therefore would not be good for her. Having me gone would be OK -- but not if that just gave her a reason to blame me inaccurately and more.

We are now doing pretty OK, she's decided she wants to (try to) accept me as I am. I'm also in a state where I'm working on being my "real" "authentic" mostly -- hopefully increasingly -- integrated self, so that's cool.

The problem I'm having is my rage at the mental health "system" which let me down over and over again as I'm now able to see. The last therapy ended in an impasse. I was in an "agitated" state and announced that when I came into the therapy. I could have left it at the door, but then what was the point of therapy? The therapist asked me what we could do about the fact that I was so frustrated and angry with her. I gave her what I thought was a good suggestion and she said, no that will take too long, we have to do something that will work for me, too. Since I had been trying to do things "her" way and everybody else's way for most of my whole life -- on the few occassions when I was in a relationship with anybody, that is -- that put me at my wit's end. I said "b. . ." and she got triggered (she later said) and shamed me.

I had worked for years to get "in touch" with those parts and then the therapist, a specialist in trauma and dissociation, shames me, just like my family did.

Can anybody here understand? My "activated" state did NOT have access to higher brain function at that point. I was working hard just to allow her to be! And then -- the therapist shames her, again!!!

When I got home my rational intelligence looked at the situation and now stands up for her. But I still feel very alone and unacceptable in the whole world because of this. "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME" boo-hoo. Well, I understand me some but being all alone in the world about that really, really sucks. I (RAGE, or me with my rage integrated) don't feel welcome -- maybe I'm not? If so, then back to taking myself out as a solution? Not that I'm considering that. Posting here is just the latest in my attempts to resolve some of this.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far.