It's about a month later and not much has changed. The counselor who calls once a week has now decided to call every other week...for 20 to 30 minutes. She thinks I am "doing well" at managing intense emotions.

But I still have suicidal ideation.

Last night I messaged an online crisis chat line...and texted with a trained counselor - or maybe they were a volunteer - but they seemed very professional. They spent a lot of time asking me questions. I don't have a suicide "plan" and don't self harm.

I also don't drink alcohol, and don't do any drugs including psyche drugs.

My sleep schedule seems fine. I don't have insomnia.

However, every morning I wake up with suicidal ideation.

Since the professionals I have been in touch with seem to think I am "doing well" I don't really know if there is anything more I can do.

I don't understand how it can be determined I am doing well when I wake up every single morning with suicidal ideation. This seems to indicate I have severe, severe depression.

I believe the professionals keep treating my severe depression as if it is mild depression. Is this because I don't self-harm, don't break down on the phone or in public?

I seriously don't know if I am okay or not. I don't feel okay.

This morning I decided that I have tried to do everything correctly. I eat well, don't drink, take vitamins, get proper sleep, and moderately exercise. I keep my apartment in order. I pay my bills on time.

But I am still unemployed...and I have to find a new apartment because where I live is too expensive. I feel like the stress of these two things is going to send me over the edge.

I have never bee IP. I have never even gone to the Emergency Room of the hospital.

I do call crisis hotlines to talk about coping skills and how to improve my coping skills.

I wonder if I am doing everything right in order to heal but I am just impatient. I have been experiencing suicidal ideation for about 10 months or more. On and off for about 2.5 years. This seems like a very long time.

But now I am thinking that no professional is going to be able to help me. I have severe depression and suicidal ideation. It is chronic. I have been shocked that a professional counselor knows this about me and yet seems to think I am "doing well."