I don't have a regular counselor. A psychologist from my health care provider calls me every week or two weeks for about 20 minutes. She treats me like I have "mild" depression but I feel like I have "severe" depression.

She said I have "victim mentality" and need to turn things around in my life.

This psychologist has me practicing CBT on my own.

Apparently this counselor thinks I am getting better. She told me I need to "empower" myself. She makes it sound like all I need to do is flip on some kind of empowerment switch.

However, I still wake up every single morning with suicidal ideation.

Last evening - after two days of very high anxiety - I messaged a suicide prevention crisis hotline. The trained person and I chatted online for almost 30 minutes. They asked me a lot of questions and in the end determined that I was "doing very well" and doing everything "right" in order to recover. There it was again! Someone treating me like I have mild depression when I feel like I have life threatening depression and anxiety.

I don't get it. If I am doing better why don't I feel better?

These professionals keep treating me like I have mild depression.

I feel like I am always on the verge of a major breakdown.

Yet, according to the experts I am doing "everything right."

Do the professionals see something I am not seeing???

Am I really improving but I just don't see it??? Is this possible???

I would like to think that maybe I am getting better and I just don't see it. Maybe one day the pancake will flip.