A part of me really, really wanted to ring the doorbell or knock on the gate, even come down the gate and that part of me wanted to see you, outside of the hour, to interact with you. I want more than we can have, see, and I think you know that, I have told you enough times. I do also think that you may possibly want more than that too. But I think that we both realise that 'more' is not going to help me, not yet, anyway. I just wish I knew what the future held for us. Do I dream that one day we will be sitting in your garden, talking, as the evening sun goes down, having been planting or digging or clearing. Oh yes, I do. Do I dream that one day you will be visiting me and listening to me play, watching my hamster burrow and discussing the world and ourselves. Oh yes, I do. Do I dream that we could go out on days out, to the farm, or the park, or the zoo, with a picnic and your grandchildren. Oh yes, I do. But we can never tell what the future holds, and I will not get caught up in the trap of missing what is here, now, because I am focussed on the future.

The other part of me was more than content with just putting it through your letterbox and leaving it there like that, for you to find. (And, if I had done what I said above, I could easily have a) come face to face with your H (no thanks, not in real life, not yet) or disturbed you in with a client (again, no thanks, not fair of me at all). I made it for you, and I wanted you to have it. That was all, for the most part of me, at least. The black hole made me forget everything, and I am thankful that you didn't make more out of it than that.

Still doesn't mean that the dream part of me wasn't a little disappointed that I didn't see you and you didn't ask me in for s drink and a chat!!! Isn't the mind a funny, funny place T.