I KNOW I need to end this partnership. I KNOW it. He has no capability for intimacy or affection or even empathy. WILL not believe I have a mental illness and I have tried every way I know how to explain it too him. And yet, when I'm having an episode, he antagonizes me, making about how awful I'm being to him. BUT ARRRGGGG ABANDONMENT!!! CHANGE!!! I actually live pretty free from him--we have separate places (long story) and he doesn't really even impact my daily life. He picks up our dogs after school, sometimes takes out the garbage, etc. But he is largely absent by his own choice, then complains that I neglect him. "Cook more" so i cook more and that's not good enough, he doesn't "care" if I cook. "Walk more" so i walk more but it's not fast enough or I get into a routine and he says that I won't stick to it. Runs hot and cold, silent treatment, he's really a miserable bastard. PDoc says he will never be able to give me what I need but I stubbornly try to get love and blood from a stone. THAT'S insanity, friends. Sometimes I think I stay because i've been with him almost my whole adult life and I'm used to him. I even have some sympathy for his condition and I try to understand his fears.
Sometimes I stay because i'm just too tired to leave. Either way, I'm stuck.
Sorry for the pity party. I need a dose of reality I think.