Definitely; I don't want anyone here to think that I was imposing or being misleading...
I'm learning that I am a master manipulator though, in the sense that I manipulate myself as well as others... but not in a way to get things, or attention.
In a way that keeps my real self hidden, who ever That may be... I've had to hide my entire life to keep self safe... But now I am trying to discover who self is, its just difficult because I cant see past my own hands, if that makes any sense.

Ever changing I am. Constant fog I live...
such protection, from what?

I'm sober and its no better, its worse you know?

I just don't want to feel like people here think that I manipulated them, because surely i haven't... I've just shown my true confusion here, which I am as confused if not more confused than anyone by these things.

I'm stuck in a present moment, A depersonalized world of derealization...
Frozen in time, only to survive.
Fear drives me, hatred of self has been born and causes separation...
Why hatred? because of what I have become, Weakness ... which is unacceptable!

Thus I am... present... but lost, lost in a dream...

I want dearly to learn myself, who I am, or what parts I may have hiding from me due to my extreme behaviors which have caused such separation...

I am sober and I know that I am not making much sense so I will stop writing

I just want to understand myself, I want to love myself, I want to be whole