Now this sounds like the depression talking!

Having someone attuned can make a huge difference, I think. Although it's referred to as attunement, I think what it comes down to is just skill in processing information.

You clearly said your issue is that you want to move, even longing for it. Calling your family upset you, but instead of focusing on helping you with your issue (moving), and maybe acknowledging you have *****#*$#s for family and redirecting focus from that to positive goals, she went on about victimhood. Even after you stated you had moved on your own in the past.-more than once.

Psychodynamic therapy, well that's another story. You could go on and on about your feelings...but still. It's not like you had a pattern of not taking initiatives to move.

And since depression can make people feel really hopeless, I'd guess not getting help reminded you of feeling hopeless--depression does that to you. No stamina-just give up your mind says. You clearly don't have a history of victimizing yourself when it comes to moving; quite the opposite. So just a guess, but it seems more logical that you might be feeling hopeless, not victimized.

Anyway, she could have reminded you about your strength-you moved several times in the past. So you could do it again someday. She could have helped you get motivated to take the first step towards moving/reaching your goal-perhaps making a plan. A simple plan. Then take steps towards that, little accomplishments to get you back to a state of full autonomy.

I remember when I felt trapped in military boot camp, literally squashed of my autonomy and all rights to self, agency, and personal belongings, (and really reminded me of my barren and miserable childhood though that was before these kind of defenses broke down so I didn't get triggered) I drew a little calendar and hid it in my notebook. As we were allowed to have paper to take notes, and it was the closest to having anything 'personal'.

Well, I was scared I'd get caught, but I drew a tiny calendar and hid it in with my notes. I looked at it when i could every day, and all day looked forward to nighttime so I could hide it under my covers with the flashlight after I heard snoring, then do my 'ritual' of crossing off the day in the evening and seeing one less day to spend there. It gave me something to look forward to every day, it kept me going; motivated.

That little piece of paper got me through, i really held onto that. Seems like nothing, but it made such a difference for me. I remember a couple times doing things like that growing up too, held on to tiny things, I gave them meaning. That was my power-giving a calendar more meaning and using that power I assigned to it.

Could you make a plan for your trip, give it some power, and make that your hope?

Sorry if that sounds trivial or sappy: rolleyes: disregard if so. I just see more than a helpless victim when I read your posts. You have a pretty good amount of passion (thought perhaps inactivated), love for beauty and life; despite your depression, it shines through.