today i feel like i am not progressing quickly enough towards a BMI of 19 from the 22 i'm at. i feel like i overate today and i'm running out of time to get the reaction i want from the lecturer i have feelings for. i finish my whole course in 6 weeks and i feel desperate to be thin enough to impress him by then. the scale is stuck and i want it to be lower.

i feel silly because i am 30 years old, and i feel angry with people who think i need to change my personality instead of my appearance, to be a big strong caring mature woman who no one with schizophrenia can be. i was overweight for my WHOLE late twenties and half my early twenties being on medication. i refuse to ever be like that again and i want to look as thin as a thin 20 year old to make up for lost time.