there are times in counseling when I instantly cry after being asked certain questions. I won't even have time to feel sad...the tears just instantly flow. So I know there is much pain and sadness hidden away. What those questions are, I can't exactly recall. I'm so disconnected and fragmented in some ways.

As a child, I grasped onto certain topics, or even just a single word, to distract me. As I'm writing this, I was thinking how my childhood, and myself as a child, feels so foreign to me. I wonder if that's "normal" or not? I think of it as a raised area that is cloaked. It's like a bundle of unincorporated things. I imagined wiping away the cover...suddenly in my mind I'm spinning a globe in elementary school. I'm learning about the crust, mantle, etc. I'm imagining the dense metal core of earth, and seeing the fire in the core theory. I'm feeling the fire from the core burning inside of me. The room is orange and warm. The unknown environments of our very own earth gave me an excitement. ~The mystery and intrigue~
I have memories implanted on that spinning globe, in that classroom, that day. But what kind of memories are they?? Why does my mind suddenly return there thirty years later?

The fragmentation of my past leaves me guessing which memories hold traumas.

My biggest surface concern two years ago was whether I "could be" a person who was abused. Could I be successful and survive with such a past? It's taken so long to see I am that person and always have been. Nothing changed except my ability to accept reality as it is, rather than believing reality is what life "should be." I'd already been surviving and being a person, but I was a person who had the self divided.

The spinning globe, rockets, Mars, the fire of the sun gave me will to feel back then. I could blast above the stale regulations of religion where everything is claimed to be known...where Im just a follower who says what they say, and who is forced to label my feelings incorrectly. I could become the center of the earth to feel something. The universe gave me power.

I'm still triggered, but I'm functioning and doing my best. I'm like a piano and all its keys that can be depressed and played in many ways. I want to pick the song.