Hello BerryBoy: I'm sorry you are struggling with these questions. These are the types of questions people sometimes seek therapy for. Continuing to write about them here on PC or in other places, such as in a journal, may help too. Sometimes there simply is no answer to them... at least not one we can get at. And unfortunately, as you're probably already painfully well aware, when these kinds of questions continue to rumble around in your head they can eat you alive from within. So I hope that, in some way, you can find a way of laying them to rest once & for all. I wish you well...