I've experienced the same - the more I try to fight my feelings, the more intense they get. For instance, I had suicidal thoughts for the longest time. My friends, even professionals didn't want to hear it, just told me I shouldn't think like that.. But the feeling of wanting to die just wouldn't go away. It was insanely anxiety-provoking to live with! In the end, I was so desperate to get rid of it I ended up having a conversation in my head with a dead relative (probably sounds crazy, I know!) who had my back when they were alive, begging them to just hear me, just accept that I have those feelings. Once they did, my first thought after 'I want to die' was 'I want to live'! I've since had many such occasions where once I've accepted a difficult feeling, I've immediately felt the complete opposite. I think maybe those difficult feelings are about the past, totally appropriate for what was going on then, and I just needed them validated - but they're not how I feel about my life today I just needed to honour the feelings I once had about my life and couldn't feel or express back then, and then release them, let go..

Remember, feeling an emotion doesn't mean you're going to act on it. They're just feelings. If you actually started to plan how to kill yourself, that's when I'd get worried and seek help. But it doesn't sound like that's what this is about - it's OK to feel your feelings, all of them!