[quote=not.dead.yet;5586361]I've experienced the same - the more I try to fight my feelings, the more intense they get. For instance, I had suicidal thoughts for the longest time. My friends, even professionals didn't want to hear it, just told me I shouldn't think like that.. But the feeling of wanting to die just wouldn't go away. It was insanely anxiety-provoking to live with! In the end, I was so desperate to get rid of it I ended up having a conversation in my head with a dead relative (probably sounds crazy, I know!) who had my back when they were alive, begging them to just hear me, just accept that I have those feelings. Once they did, my first thought after 'I want to die' was 'I want to live'! I've since had many such occasions where once I've accepted a difficult feeling, I've immediately felt the complete opposite. I think maybe those difficult feelings are about the past, totally appropriate for what was going on then, and I just needed them validated - but they're not how I feel about my life today I just needed to honour the feelings I once had about my life and couldn't feel or express back then, and then release them, let go..


Thank you. I agree with you that suicidal ideation or suicidal thoughts are intensely anxiety producing. When I first had them I thought I should rush off to the hospital. Crisis hotline people have told me this was not necessary, but to seek out therapy which I did. I also still call crisis hotlines for coping tips.

I feel like I am in the "management phase" of living with suicidal ideation. It feels like suicidal ideation has become "normalized."

I don't like it. It does not advance to a plan because I am too cowardly. I don't drink or do drugs and am not on medication...all things which are said to be dangerous activities for one suffering from suicidal ideation.

My theory is that this is the result of chronic unresolved stressful circumstances in my life. I am always overwhelmed with anxiety. The depression is like burn-out.

I keep trying to figure out how to get rid of the suicidal ideation. Nothing works. Nothing. I can go to sleep and have a beautiful, restful sleep and as soon as I open my eyes the suicidal ideation is there.

I don't want to die. I take good care of myself...eat well, don't smoke or drink, sleep well, exercise. Why would I do these things if I was self-destructive?

So I came up with this idea to just accept that these feelings are with me. Stories such as yours are so heartening. When you no longer needed these feelings they left you. My idea is to not try to force these feelings away anymore for the simple reason I have tried it and it doesn't work. But to not feed them, either. I do try to push them to the back burner when I can.

Thank you for sharing your story. It was very informative and inspiring.